I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
