Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
