Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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