She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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