I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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