Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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