I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
