upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
