idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
