i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If I die, sorry about rent.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
