Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
