Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
