So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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