The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
