Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
