: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
