They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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