i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
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He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize