Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
