so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
