I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
