paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
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And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
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On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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