Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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