Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You can't motorboat a personality
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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