Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
