Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
