He asked to "fluff my boner.."
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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