i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod