I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.