At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
