Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
