he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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