I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
