Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
