I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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