This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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