ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...