I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
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I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
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Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.