just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
