I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
