I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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