What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
