those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
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There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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