So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
