DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
