Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
