My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
