Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
