I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
