Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
