I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
