There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
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All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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