how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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