I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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