Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize