I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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