i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
