I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
