And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
