is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
