apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
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He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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