OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
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I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
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Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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