I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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