I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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