Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
