he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
