Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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